ZIPPERGATE
  -- By Scott Adams (writer of Dilbert)


Induhviduals And Zippergate
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Lately I have been subjected to many Induhvidual opinions
about Zippergate.  Rather than respond to them as they
happen, which would require me to yell at my television set,
thereby scaring all of my other appliances, I will address
these curious viewpoints here.

Note:  I have no strong opinion of what should happen to the 
President. I'm just amused by it all.


Induhvidual Opinion #1 -- It's about lies, not sex
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Some Induhviduals say it's not the sex, it's the lying
that's the real problem.  But it's not a general kind of
lying that's the problem, it's specifically the President's
unwillingness to share details of his sex life with every
human being in the world.  By that standard, only Geraldo
Rivera and Dennis Rodman could qualify to be President.

If lying is so damnable, let's say we decide to impeach
every politician who lies to the American people.  They'd
be dropping like flies.  I forget how the chain of command
works, but I think that after the President and the Vice
President, you have the Speaker of The House, and then
members of the cabinet, and on from there.  It would take
about two months before a near-sighted postal clerk has the
nuclear launch codes.

When the politicians who vote on impeachment tell us they
will be non-political, asking us to believe they will ignore
the fact that Al Gore could become president, do you think
they are telling the truth? And if they aren't, shouldn't we
impeach them too?


Induhvidual Opinion #2 -- How Can Clinton Govern Now?
-----------------------------------------------------
I have this image in my head of Yasser Arafat visiting the
White House. Clinton offers him a Presidential cigar and
Arafat says, "If you don't mind, could I have one that is
still in the original wrapper?"  This ugly incident turns
into a towel fight and triggers World War Three.

That's the best scenario I could come up with in which the
President's ability to govern is affected by Zippergate.

I guess there's one other possibility.  Suppose Congress
passes some legislation and it comes to Clinton's desk for
signature, but Hillary has broken both of his arms.  That
might slow him down.  But he could still grip a pen in his
teeth and sign the bill into law.  And if Hillary punched
out his teeth too, all you really needs is a bottle of
dipping ink and a cute intern to improvise a solution.  It
wouldn't be the photo opportunity we're used to, but at this
point, nothing seems too shocking.

Let's say the President is less able to push his agenda in
Congress now, because no one wants to be his friend.  I
keep asking myself how my life will be different, compared
to the dynamic leadership we expect from a second term
minority party president. So far, I'm stumped.


Induhvidual Opinion #3 -- Any CEO would be fired
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The pundits keep saying that any CEO who has an affair with
an employee would be fired.  But on my planet, Earth, CEOs
routinely boff the staff, literally and figuratively, and I
know of no example where any CEO ever got fired for anything
except falling stock prices or accounting irregularities. 
Who started the rumor that CEOs get fired for bedding their
underlings? Didn't Bill Gates marry one of his employees?


Induhvidual Opinion #4 -- You Can't Do That In The Military
-----------------------------------------------------------
Pundits point out that the President would be kicked out of
the military for his behavior, if in fact he were in the
military.  We can extend this brilliant analysis to see how
he would be treated by other organizations to which he does
not belong.

For example, I also believe he would be kicked out of the
Girl Scouts for his behavior.  That sort of activity is very
disruptive to the meetings.  And I don't think you can
participate in the Big Sister program with that on your
record either.  I also believe he would be fired as editor
of Cigar Aficionado magazine if he worked there, which he
doesn't.


Induhvidual Opinion #5 -- We can't help thinking about it
---------------------------------------------------------
Some people say Clinton can't be effective because every
time we look at him we'll be grossed out thinking of his sex
life.  Personally, I already have that problem with most
politicians, not to mention many of my friends, and my
entire extended family.  In fact, the only politician I can
imagine having sex, without wincing, is Al Gore, and that's
only because I assume he does it fully clothed.


Induhvidual Opinion #6 -- Not In The Oval Office!
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Some people are incensed because the dirty deeds happened in
the White House.  This implies that some other location
wouldn't have been so bad. So I'm wondering, where **is**
the best place for the President to do that sort of thing? 
Would a State Park be okay, or is that still government
land?  How about the French Embassy?  That's technically
foreign soil, and they probably have a cot in the back for
just that kind of situation.


Induhvidual Opinion #7 -- We Wasted 40 Million Dollars!
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Sure, it was expensive, but I feel I got my money's worth. 
I figure my share was about eighty cents, and I've been
entertained for months. Compare that to the seven bucks I
paid to see the Godzilla movie and I think you'll agree it's
a bargain.

And consider the positive impact on the media.  It was a
slow news year. If the media had gone one more week without
an interesting story, they would have had to kill another
member of the British royal family just to fill airtime.  No
one wants that.


Induhvidual Opinion #8 -- It's Sexual Harassment
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Some say that because Monica was a White House employee, and
Clinton had power to influence her career, it is sexual
harassment by definition.

I suppose it's possible that Monica thought she would get a
cabinet job after her internship was over, or possibly
become ambassador to Great Britain.  And I suppose it's
possible that Monica was afraid of being demoted from her
lucrative intern job.  So I guess that's the best point I've
heard so far.