TALES FROM THE TAX MAN:

(Note from H&R Block: "Sometimes a story comes to our attention that
needs no polishing or enhancement to make it a good tax story. This
is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the
midst of 1994's weird and bizarre denial of dependents and credits.
The letter speaks for itself.")

   Dear Sirs:
   
   I am responding to your letter denying the deduction of two of the
   three dependents I claimed on my 1993 Federal Tax return. THANK YOU!
   
   For years, I have questioned whether these are my children or not.
   They are evil and expensive.
   
   It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsibility,
   that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to take care of
   these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the
   next year.
   
   You may apply next year to reassign them back to me and reinstate
   the deduction, but this year, they are yours!
   
   The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest
   you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's
   questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it
   has not seemed to hamper her knowledge on any other subject you can
   name. Taxes should be a breeze.
   
   Next year, she is going to college. I think it is wonderful that you
   will now be responsible for that little expense.
   
   While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It
   doesn't run at the moment, so you have the immediate decision of
   appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle,
   or getting up early to drive her to school.
   
   Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the
   wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best
   to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the
   face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable
   and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May
   I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elder, who had a rather good
   handle on the problem.
   
   Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
   little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner
   himself one day, if you do not incarcerate him first.
   
   In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police
   officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'-ing
   houses. In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS
   office, or to Ogden, Utah?
   
   Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple.
   Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to live
   with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days
   of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing
   your phone number with the Vice Principal.
   
   Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the
   house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he
   lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with
   girls, explosives, inflammables, inflammables, vehicles, or
   telephones. (I'm sure that you'll find telephones a source of
   unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976
   numbers!)
   
   Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite
   by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 - going on
   21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed
   clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's.
   
   Fortunately, you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch
   of her remedial reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive, so
   the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half
   the amount of the deduction you are denying!
   
   It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other
   two), so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror.
   She cannot speak English. Most people under 20 understand the
   curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the
   hood/reggae/political doublespeak. I don't.
   
   The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her
   R's. It has added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She
   wears hats backwards, pants baggy, and wants one of her ears pierced
   four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries
   me, but I'm sure you can handle it.
   
   Bring a truck when you come to get her. She sort of 'nests' in her
   room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing
   and find out what it is really made of.
   
   You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you
   get to pick which two you'll take. I prefer that you take the
   youngest. That way I'll still go bankrupt with Kristen's college,
   but then I'm free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have
   time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take
   the two girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a
   military academy.
   
   Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, since I
   have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395
   in additional tax and make a down payment on an airplane.
   
   Yours truly,
   Bob

Note: The taxpayer in question added this caveat at a later date...

"Rats! They sent me the refund and allowed the deductions."

(H&R Block response: "Gee, Bob, sometimes you just can't get a break.")