THE 1997 DARWIN AWARDS

The 1997 Darwin Award competition has announced its runners up and winners.
These awards are given each year to bestow honor upon the remains of those
individuals, who through the ultimate in self sacrifice, have done the
utmost to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. (namely:
themselves)

Please note: 1997 has shown great improvement in the areas of teamwork and
cooperation among the candidates. Competition for the Darwin award no
longer appears to be an individual sport. Here are (drum roll) the 1997
runners-up and winners:

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5th runner-up: A San Anselmo, California, man died when he hit a lift tower
at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad.
22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital.
The accident occurred about 3 a.m., The Mono County Sheriff's Department
said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump
Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike
Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to
protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to
slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been
investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad
removed.

4th Runner-up: Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St.
Louis market when the clerk threatened to call the police. Puelo grabbed a
hot dog,shoved it into his mouth, and walked out without paying. Police
found him unconscious in front of the store-paramedics removed the six-inch
wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.

3rd Runner-up: Poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, shot a stag standing above
him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

2nd Runner-up: A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the man
in Arkansas who used the 22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pick-up
truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an
explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24,
of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday
night,said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a
battery and was trying to explode it, said Payne. "It wouldn't go off and
this guy said I'll show you how to set it off. "He put it into his mouth
and bit down. It blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off, Payne
said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive
facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical
Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that, Payne
said.

1st Runner-up: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man
shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be
released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last
weekend during an initiation into a man's rafting club, Mountain Men
Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants
Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the
arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1
millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and
Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at
the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10
inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet
somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had
Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed
himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking
that afternoon. (DUH). Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this". No
charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's
office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.

Last year's winner, you will remember, was the fellow who was killed when
he attached a JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit to his Chevy Impala and
shot himself and his car into a desert cliff at 300 M.P.H.


And now, this year's winners are............

(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the
great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at
the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18
beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the
nine-foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pick-up truck
over to the fence and the plan was for (the late) Mr. Pernicky (who was 100
pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his
friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot
drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found
himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken,
along with his arm, as it were) by a large branch that snagged him by his
shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw
some bushes below him. (Possibly) figuring the bushes would break his fall,
he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free
himself from the tree. 

Finally free, (did I mention he is THE LATE) Mr. Pernicky crashed into
Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now
without the protection of his shorts, a Holly branch penetrated his
rectal cavity. To make matters worse (?!), on landing,his pocket knife
penetrated his thigh 3-inches. (The late) Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his
friend in considerable pain and agony, decided to throw him a rope and
pull him to safety (now he thinks of the "S" word) by tying the rope
to the pick-up truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken
haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the
fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find
the crashed pick-up with its driver thrown 100-feet from the truck and
dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the
truck, they found John under it, half-naked with scratches on his
body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his
shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air. 

Congratulations gentlemen, you win...